2008 Woodie Awards
Billion Year Old Vendettas
Michael Weaver
Issue date: 10/18/06 Section: Interviews with God
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As Continued From Last Week…
MW: Yes, that's right. We have a very special guest this week. Please give a round of thunder claps for the big man himself. You know who I'm talking about. That man in the clouds who watches all women, that dude who loves the throw lightning bolts when he's pissed, the bearded Greek sex machine you've heard so much about…
GOD: Haha. Thank you, thank you. But there's no need for this kind of introduction, Mikey. I'm here every week.
MW: I am of course talking about Zeus! The Greek god of thunder and the sky.
Zeus enters looking angry and horny for mortal women. The smell of burbon and fire is on his breath.
Zeus: God, is that you?
A myriad of emotions enter Zeus' eyes, including: Happiness, relief, indigestion, and bigotry.
MW: You know each other? From where?
GOD: It started when we were roommates in college. Zeus was always the popular one; he always had girls all over him (including my sister). I played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, and was constantly envious of his popularity. I didn't start to gain fame and followers until later…
MW: So you guys are already friends! This is excellent. It will make answering questions from students that much easier.
Zeus: Friends! Bah! Aren't you conveniently leaving something out, God?
GOD: What are you talking about, Zeusy-Maloosey. I thought we were cool.
Zeus: Don't call me that anymore! We were friends… It was one April morning. I was off at the lightning club collecting donations in electricity form, God was reinstilling guilt in the masses - the idea of sperm hadn't been solidified yet, so Mikey, you certainly weren't born yet. Anyway, as I was returning to the room after leaving a club meeting earlier after a celebration on two years of successful smiting. It was then that I saw God in bed with Hera!
GOD: Look, dude. I already apologized for that like a million times. I thought we could be cool now and get back to ultimate Frisbee like the good old days..
MW: Yes, that's right. We have a very special guest this week. Please give a round of thunder claps for the big man himself. You know who I'm talking about. That man in the clouds who watches all women, that dude who loves the throw lightning bolts when he's pissed, the bearded Greek sex machine you've heard so much about…
GOD: Haha. Thank you, thank you. But there's no need for this kind of introduction, Mikey. I'm here every week.
MW: I am of course talking about Zeus! The Greek god of thunder and the sky.
Zeus enters looking angry and horny for mortal women. The smell of burbon and fire is on his breath.
Zeus: God, is that you?
A myriad of emotions enter Zeus' eyes, including: Happiness, relief, indigestion, and bigotry.
MW: You know each other? From where?
GOD: It started when we were roommates in college. Zeus was always the popular one; he always had girls all over him (including my sister). I played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, and was constantly envious of his popularity. I didn't start to gain fame and followers until later…
MW: So you guys are already friends! This is excellent. It will make answering questions from students that much easier.
Zeus: Friends! Bah! Aren't you conveniently leaving something out, God?
GOD: What are you talking about, Zeusy-Maloosey. I thought we were cool.
Zeus: Don't call me that anymore! We were friends… It was one April morning. I was off at the lightning club collecting donations in electricity form, God was reinstilling guilt in the masses - the idea of sperm hadn't been solidified yet, so Mikey, you certainly weren't born yet. Anyway, as I was returning to the room after leaving a club meeting earlier after a celebration on two years of successful smiting. It was then that I saw God in bed with Hera!
GOD: Look, dude. I already apologized for that like a million times. I thought we could be cool now and get back to ultimate Frisbee like the good old days..
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