2008 Woodie Awards
Divine Thievery and Holy Robin Hood
Michael Weaver
Issue date: 10/11/06 Section: Interviews with God
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GOD: I'm on a very tight schedule today and it appears Mikey is running late, so let's just start by answering a letter. Jacob Michaels, a senior at FSU writes, "Dear God, I have always been told that stealing is wrong, but is it ok if you really really want something? I mean come on! btw im a music major…" Eloquently put, Jake. As you know, I am completely against stealing in every form. If something doesn't belong to you, you can't just take it and try to find a way to justify it. I suppose there are extreme situations like if you stole a loaf of bread to feed your starving family…
Mikey Enters in a panic looking tough and gangsterish
GOD: Jesus Christ, what happened to you!
MW: JC left for the day already; he said to pick up more Jiffy. It's just me, Mikey. I have just returned from stealing a loaf of bread to feed my starving family.
GOD: Thou Shalt Not Steal! (You have a family? I thought you crawled out of a pit?)
MW: By family, I mean all my collective parts and organs and by starving, I mean slightly peckish. As for stealing, it's not really stealing, since I had to.
GOD: I guess it could be worse; you could be working for pre-paid legal.
MW: Oh, I also stole a Ford on the way over, but don't worry-it's ok.
GOD: How is that ok?
MW: It was a Ford. I was doing them a favor. Besides I needed a lot of room to hold all the TVs I "borrowed" from Best Buy… They were for my extended family-the Soviets.
GOD: As for thieves like you, some of my followers practice this custom: "Cut off the hand as a recompense of what they have earned, and a punishment exemplary from God."
MW: Relax, God. Next you'll be riding me for stealing from that charity that gave food to orphans. I only needed it so I could pay for all the crack-whores.
GOD: Tisk tisk, Mikey. I wish there was some way I could teach you why stealing is wrong.
MW: Now there is! The Bottom Line is throwing a Sweepstakes Stop Stealing Give Away (or SSSGA)
Mikey Enters in a panic looking tough and gangsterish
GOD: Jesus Christ, what happened to you!
MW: JC left for the day already; he said to pick up more Jiffy. It's just me, Mikey. I have just returned from stealing a loaf of bread to feed my starving family.
GOD: Thou Shalt Not Steal! (You have a family? I thought you crawled out of a pit?)
MW: By family, I mean all my collective parts and organs and by starving, I mean slightly peckish. As for stealing, it's not really stealing, since I had to.
GOD: I guess it could be worse; you could be working for pre-paid legal.
MW: Oh, I also stole a Ford on the way over, but don't worry-it's ok.
GOD: How is that ok?
MW: It was a Ford. I was doing them a favor. Besides I needed a lot of room to hold all the TVs I "borrowed" from Best Buy… They were for my extended family-the Soviets.
GOD: As for thieves like you, some of my followers practice this custom: "Cut off the hand as a recompense of what they have earned, and a punishment exemplary from God."
MW: Relax, God. Next you'll be riding me for stealing from that charity that gave food to orphans. I only needed it so I could pay for all the crack-whores.
GOD: Tisk tisk, Mikey. I wish there was some way I could teach you why stealing is wrong.
MW: Now there is! The Bottom Line is throwing a Sweepstakes Stop Stealing Give Away (or SSSGA)
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