2008 Woodie Awards
Designing Artificial Intelligence
Michael Weaver
Issue date: 9/20/06 Section: Interviews with God
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MW: This week, God. We have a very special letter, so I'd like to jump right into it. Andrew Woodard, a sophomore at FSU asks, "Dear God. Since you created us in your image, does it anger you or please you when humans create artificial intelligence?"
GOD: To answer a complicated question like this I'm going to need the help of a little friend of mine. Everyone please say hello to Dwayne, the diligently devout droid.
Dwayne Enters. His smile is pure, his eyes the color of numbers.
DDDD: I may be a droid, but I seek to enter the kingdom of heaven as much as any genuine piece of machinery. I was designed by a brilliant scientist who lived off the coast of Wyoming. Funded by a grant from Sony, Dr. Frompskinson discovered that he was able to create an independently-thinking, sympathetic, intelligent and extremely promiscuous learning machine that feels all the same emotions and feelings as a human (in an effort to make the most entertaining and delicious home entertainment center since the slapping machine),… Me!
MW: That's an amazing story. Wow, I feel bad for you. There's so much sympathy and human emotion in your eyes. Can we keep him, God? Can he enter the Kingdom of heaven with us, can he please God?
GOD: I don't know… If we let him in, I'd have to let in every Robot! That cowardly one with tentacles from Lost In Space, that back-stabbing jerk from The Jetsons, all of them! Besides, the heaven's capacity is 4500 and we've almost reached that.
Dwayne sheds a tear of precious oil, realizing that he did not choose to be designed and created, but now he fears the eventual destruction of his own consciousness.
MW: Shhhh. God! You're scaring him! There, there Dwayne. Letting your consciousness melt away and entering a state of eternal oblivion won't be so bad (Just ask the guy who invented Motor-scooters). It happened to two of my friends, and they said it was fine.
GOD: Hmm. You're starting to convince me. Maybe if we began a guest worker program…
GOD: To answer a complicated question like this I'm going to need the help of a little friend of mine. Everyone please say hello to Dwayne, the diligently devout droid.
Dwayne Enters. His smile is pure, his eyes the color of numbers.
DDDD: I may be a droid, but I seek to enter the kingdom of heaven as much as any genuine piece of machinery. I was designed by a brilliant scientist who lived off the coast of Wyoming. Funded by a grant from Sony, Dr. Frompskinson discovered that he was able to create an independently-thinking, sympathetic, intelligent and extremely promiscuous learning machine that feels all the same emotions and feelings as a human (in an effort to make the most entertaining and delicious home entertainment center since the slapping machine),… Me!
MW: That's an amazing story. Wow, I feel bad for you. There's so much sympathy and human emotion in your eyes. Can we keep him, God? Can he enter the Kingdom of heaven with us, can he please God?
GOD: I don't know… If we let him in, I'd have to let in every Robot! That cowardly one with tentacles from Lost In Space, that back-stabbing jerk from The Jetsons, all of them! Besides, the heaven's capacity is 4500 and we've almost reached that.
Dwayne sheds a tear of precious oil, realizing that he did not choose to be designed and created, but now he fears the eventual destruction of his own consciousness.
MW: Shhhh. God! You're scaring him! There, there Dwayne. Letting your consciousness melt away and entering a state of eternal oblivion won't be so bad (Just ask the guy who invented Motor-scooters). It happened to two of my friends, and they said it was fine.
GOD: Hmm. You're starting to convince me. Maybe if we began a guest worker program…
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
mweaver
Michael Weaver
posted 9/20/06 @ 8:48 AM EST
whoever writes this column is an idiot. despite it being hillllarrrrious and great! The main problem is with the final setence. WTF?!!?! Why is it a question! Its not supposed to be?!!!
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