2008 Woodie Awards
God's Goodwill
A Fashion Heaven
Michael Weaver
Issue date: 9/13/06 Section: Interviews with God
MW: Welcome back, God! It's a good thing you're here. The letters have been piling up.
GOD: People read this garbage?
MW: Most assuredly, yes. Our letter today is from a Ms. Laura Cloins a freshman at FSU. She writes, "Dear God. There never seems to be any good descriptions of what religious figures wore in their respective times. Whenever sacred texts talk about the stuff they wear, it's always brief and vague. If these people are really holy, shouldn't they be wearing some nice stuff!"
MW: Good point. Where is the tiara on Moses? Or the sparkles on Muhammad? Couldn't Jesus have some fancy boots at least?
GOD: Why should the choice of garb matter? I wear little else then this white robe, and with a little fabric softener it's easily one of the comfiest pieces of lounge-wear I've ever conjured into being.
GOD: Come to think of it, you and your ilk's fashion sense really have been beating a dead horse. You have a robe. Moses had a robe. Jesus had a robe. I have a skirt…err I mean robe. And Muhammad probably had a robe.
MW: Ironically, he trotted around in bellbottoms and a plumber's outfit.
GOD: No, I forget what that was but it wasn't a plumber's outfit, cause I'm pretty sure he was sporting a hardhat when he was fully geared up.
MW: But you at least admit that he was a plumber in the sense that he was unclogging the moral toilets of the Middle East, cleaning out the devotional bowl of religion, and giving polytheism a courtesy flush.
GOD: Uh, yes. The point is that you shouldn't focus so much on the clothes that these folks were wearing… on earth. How do you know that once you get to heaven you aren't supplied with a wardrobe which has quality and variety based upon your thoughts and actions on earth?
MW: So if I was really bad, I would just get some rags or something and only get to shop at Goodwill?
GOD: Actually, in heaven, Goodwill just happens to be the name of the store with all the nicest clothes. Maybe I'll have someone model some of the apparel and accessories that my prophets use in heaven.
GOD: People read this garbage?
MW: Most assuredly, yes. Our letter today is from a Ms. Laura Cloins a freshman at FSU. She writes, "Dear God. There never seems to be any good descriptions of what religious figures wore in their respective times. Whenever sacred texts talk about the stuff they wear, it's always brief and vague. If these people are really holy, shouldn't they be wearing some nice stuff!"
MW: Good point. Where is the tiara on Moses? Or the sparkles on Muhammad? Couldn't Jesus have some fancy boots at least?
GOD: Why should the choice of garb matter? I wear little else then this white robe, and with a little fabric softener it's easily one of the comfiest pieces of lounge-wear I've ever conjured into being.
GOD: Come to think of it, you and your ilk's fashion sense really have been beating a dead horse. You have a robe. Moses had a robe. Jesus had a robe. I have a skirt…err I mean robe. And Muhammad probably had a robe.
MW: Ironically, he trotted around in bellbottoms and a plumber's outfit.
GOD: No, I forget what that was but it wasn't a plumber's outfit, cause I'm pretty sure he was sporting a hardhat when he was fully geared up.
MW: But you at least admit that he was a plumber in the sense that he was unclogging the moral toilets of the Middle East, cleaning out the devotional bowl of religion, and giving polytheism a courtesy flush.
GOD: Uh, yes. The point is that you shouldn't focus so much on the clothes that these folks were wearing… on earth. How do you know that once you get to heaven you aren't supplied with a wardrobe which has quality and variety based upon your thoughts and actions on earth?
MW: So if I was really bad, I would just get some rags or something and only get to shop at Goodwill?
GOD: Actually, in heaven, Goodwill just happens to be the name of the store with all the nicest clothes. Maybe I'll have someone model some of the apparel and accessories that my prophets use in heaven.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Jamie
posted 9/15/06 @ 2:42 PM EST
This is hilarious.
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